i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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