I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
