I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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