I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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