the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
