They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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