my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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