I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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