I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
