im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
