hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
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