I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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