I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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