I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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