Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
