The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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