He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
