booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
