I'm drive I can fine osifer
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize