This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
