I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
