Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
