strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Enjoy the penises
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
