Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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