someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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