I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
