They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
