the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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