Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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