It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I smell stomach acid.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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