I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
