I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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