The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
