I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
