Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
