We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you traded sex for a burrito?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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