dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I would ride that face into the sunset
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
