i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
