hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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