Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
