The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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