If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
