I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
