i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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