Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
