went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
