yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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