hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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