i permit you to call me
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
