I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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