dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
