remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
