The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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