maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
