i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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