Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
