I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
