I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
