i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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