im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
