Cold hands, warm shart.
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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