just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize